Sometimes when you’ve got to go, you’ve just got to go.

Though, unlike most people, I don’t believe in bottling things up so I just go whenever and wherever I like. Most of the time this is an uneventful experience as I wear these huge nappies (yes, I know what you’re thinking; exactly like a NASA astronaut) which catch the lot. I don’t even have to stop what I’m doing at the time.

As some of you might remember from previous posts, I don’t drink a lot… at least not in the sense of drinking from cups. So what I tend to do is catch up on my liquid intake whenever it’s convenient, say while I’m lying in the bath or when I go swimming. And when I do drink, I drink a lot.

I have no idea exactly how much one of those nappies can hold but it’s plainly not enough because they seem to overflow quite regularly. Then we’re usually looking at wet trousers, a trickle in my wake or a small damp patch on the sofa.

However, there are times when things get a little out of adjustment; apparently some of my engineers don’t have quite the same level of experience as those at NASA, or it might be that Johnny Peanut wants to come out to play… I’m sure you’ve all been there. And on those occasions it’s best to stand well back because we can sometimes be talking about a flood worthy of floating Noah.

At the lowest level we might have a modest cascade from the bottom of the chair while I’m eating, usually followed by the happy sounds of people dancing.

Moving up a rung you can try the same thing while sitting in one of those little seats on a supermarket trolley; actually it’s a few years since I’ve managed to fit in one of those, but you can achieve much the same effect from a wheelchair. Anyway it’s a particularly good location because you’re mobile and it can take a while for people to realise that they’re traipsing through a little yellow river. Surprisingly slippery too.

Doing the same thing in a car doesn’t work very well because the seat catches all the moisture and it can be quite a while before anyone realises what’s happening. But I still try to do this at least once in every car we own… otherwise they just never smell right.

If you’re really experienced you can try for a double whammy. This is tricky because it involves a lot of bladder control and self restraint. What you do is wet the nappy but only empty half your bladder. Hopefully some good Samaritan will notice quite quickly and come to your rescue. During recent years they’ve tended to change it while I’m standing up and there’s a critical window of opportunity between taking the old nappy off and putting the new one in place: that’s when you let the remainder of your bladder go. This has the effect of a loose fire hose and you can’t really predict where the spray will go, but often you can score a few really good hits. Ah, the happy smiles on their little faces and the whooping and hollering is a joy to see.

But for the ultimate in accuracy and effectiveness you just perform the same trick first thing in the morning as they’re getting you out of bed. You don’t even have to use any self-restraint or bladder control for this one, just lie there and wait for the right moment, and as someone leans their face in for a closer look… Bam! You just let the lot go.

Honestly, the sense of satisfaction is unmatched. Yes it’s a little damp, but very liberating.

You should try it.

Flower Girl says there’s a counter at the bottom of this page that now says it’s received over 250,000 views. Apparently that’s not 250,000 separate people, but Smiley assures me it’s more than one person clicking a quarter of a million times.

Of course, I don’t know if quarter of a million is a lot; after I’ve wolfed down a roast dinner Frowny keeps handing me Yorkshire Puddings so that she can finish her meal in peace, and I can get through an entire bowl of them. Now that’s a lot. And sometimes I click the light switches on and off in my room for an hour or so — until even I get bored with it — and I don’t think we can possibly be talking about as many clicks as that.

Whatever. But the thing I keep wondering is, who are all these nosey people and why do they want to read about my life? After all, it’s just everyday stuff that happens to everyone isn’t it?

Weirdos.

Most nights I wake up and it’s really quiet and dark in my room. Actually it’s not that quiet because there’s this heater thing that keeps going on and off and it’s really noisy and sometimes that’s what wakes me up.

Other nights I wake up because the bed and my pyjamas are all wet. I don’t know what that’s all about but it’s a real nuisance.

And sometimes I just wake up because I’m not tired anymore. So I empty my toy basket all over the floor and look for something to play with. Or I turn the light switches on and off, on and off, on and off…. Or if I get really bored I lie on my back and kick the walls or the door, which usually brings someone running quite quickly.

But last night I woke up because I could hear someone crying. I had a really good think and realised it wasn’t me so it must have been coming from Smiley and Frowny’s room.

It was strange because it didn’t sound like Frowny’s voice and it couldn’t have been Smiley because, well… he smiles all the time.

Odd.

Anyway, I soon found something to chew, rolled over and went back to sleep.

There are, apparently, lots of songs in the world.

I’ve heard there might be as many as twenty or more but I think that’s probably just wild exaggeration. I hear most of my music from primary coloured plastic toys and, quite frankly, it all sounds exactly the same: sort of jolly and tinny with electronic whistles and bells and squeaks. Sometimes real musicians come into my school to entertain everyone; they try to get us to join in but it’s mostly on maracas and drums and triangles so it’s difficult to make out if the tunes really are all supposed to be the same or it just sounds that way.

The other place I hear music is in the car and this falls into two main types: Smiley likes listening to soppy-plinky-plonky pianos and stuff while Curly Top mostly wants to listen to the sounds of people shouting at each other. Actually now I come to think about it there’s a third type of sound that comes out of some bits of white string that Flower Girl likes to stick in her ears, but that’s very quiet; I don’t know whether it counts as music, it sounds more like an angry insect and it makes her head wobble up and down.

Anyway, my point is that there’s really only one decent song in the world so I don’t know why anybody bothers listening to anything else. It is of course Row Row, and once you’ve heard it you realise there’s no point in exploring any further. I’ve been listening to Row Row for the past… well, I don’t exactly know how many years… all of them I think. And I can honestly say that, in all that time, nothing else has come close to matching it.

Even better is the fact that you don’t actually have to listen to it on the radio or on a pie-pod or whatever it is because it’s even more fun to sing it yourself and it can be performed almost anywhere. Obviously I don’t do the actual singing part myself, so whenever I’m in the mood for a quick sing-song I just grab anyone who happens to be passing, pull them down onto the floor, take hold of both their arms and swing my body back and forth with as much enthusiasm as possible. This has become a lot easier in recent years as I’ve grown a bit bigger, and nowadays there aren’t many occasions where I can’t persuade people of any size to give it a go. Once on the floor and with their body swinging back and forth a few times I like to give a really strong, sudden pull on their arms and see if I can get my back all the way to the floor. This usually makes the other person look really surprised and make a little gasping noise, but they soon get the idea of what I want and start singing almost immediately. I haven’t yet met anyone who doesn’t know the words, which just goes to show how much everyone enjoys it. And speaking of the words, I don’t think lyrics can be much more meaningful, exciting or as moving as those in Row Row. Just listen to this:

Row, Row, Row Your Boat, Gently Down the Stream…

Isn’t that beautiful? It conjures up such a calming, peaceful image of a warm summer’s day. If you’re really lucky and there’s more than one person singing they sometimes start doing this overlapping voicey thing, which is brilliant… even if it does make my head go a bit funny.

Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life Is But A Dream….

I’m not absolutely sure if life is a dream or not but I’m prepared to overlook that one because all the ‘merrily’ bits sound so nice.

Rock, Rock, Rock Your Boat, Gently Down The Stream…

Ok, I’ll admit we start running into some problems at this point because everyone seems to have a different version of the words. But hey, I’m all for that; it’s one of the beauties of Row Row – it encourages people’s creativity and it hardly ever comes out the same way twice. This ‘Rock Rock’ bit is the version Smiley sings and he starts swinging his body side to side, which is an absolutely brilliant twist. You’d think I’d see it coming after all these years, but nope, catches me out every time.

If You See A Crocodile, Don’t Forget To Scream… ARRGHHH!

Some people start going on about mice squeaking and others start yapping about lion’s roaring. I don’t mind a bit, as long as they end on the crocodile and throwing their arms in the air with a terrified scream. Adds a real air of menace to the piece to undercut the cloying sweetness.

And that’s it. Well, obviously you don’t just do it once. Twenty or thirty times is usually enough for most people but if you can get them to go on for longer there’s no limit to the number of times you can repeat it.

Unless – of course – it’s close to teatime or Bathtime.